


the list

by vanitaslaughing



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: 'and my shitty cousins twice removed. one sucks and one doesnt', Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, Meeting the Parents, except its like 'meeting the rest of the family'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 09:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16574000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanitaslaughing/pseuds/vanitaslaughing
Summary: Ignis finally gets to go to Insomnia to meet Noctis' relatives.Except that Noctis is needed at a meeting that day, and leaves Ignis with a list with five more people he thinks Ignis should absolutely meet.





	the list

“Oh no, you really needn’t be like, scared of my dad. The people you should be scared of are my _relatives._ ”

“I’m not scared of any member of your family, silly.”

Famous last words, as said by Ignis Scientia, top of his class, heir to at least a thousand books carefully stored in Accordo, and through some jinxed coincidences, the Lucian crown prince’s boyfriend. Noctis was busy with some state meetings that day, and therefore Ignis was on his own. Since Noctis knew that Ignis hated sitting around with nothing to do, he had left him a list with some directions to meet the more elusive members of his family. Ignis set out to find them—apparently they had all been informed—with only this list of directions and the second part to help him.

The second list contained names and short explanations, seemingly scribbled in the dead of night before Noctis fell backwards into bed.

 

 

1\. Iris

(my half-sister; easy to bribe with sweets

she’s been dying to meet you, be nice!)

 

 

He had had the pleasure of meeting King Regis, Lord Clarus and Gladiolus already; apparently the king, his late wife and their supposed protector had been a little bit too close for comfort. Noctis and the Amicitia siblings had the same mother, but Noctis was the only one of royal blood. Ignis hated thinking about what a mess Lucian politics were compared to how rigid Niff politics were. This country was so… lax. The late queen even had just been a commoner, and outside of some nobles raging about her marrying into royalty and then also ruining any chance for any noble daughters to marry into the Shield bloodline everyone had just… accepted this situation.

Iris definitely lacked the stern expression the other two Amicitias had worn when Ignis had introduced himself. She instead happily shook his hand and started talking about how happy she was to _finally_ meet Noctis’ infamous boyfriend from Niflheim and started poking holes into his stomach by asking question after question. How it was in Niflheim—cold—how his parents were—they were fine—and how they had reacted to Noctis—just fine, though his mother noted that for a prince he sure seemed kind of shy. In return, he got to learn some delightful things about the family. How the moogle plushy Noctis had in his room was something all three of them had, apparently made by their mother before they were born. That was… surprisingly cute.

All in all, Ignis was not entirely sure why Noctis had told him to be scared of his family—if they were all like Iris, what was there to worry about?

 

 

2\. Mum

(kind of silly, honestly

go to the flowershop near the cemetery, the wreath’s been paid for, dw)

 

 

Again, not exactly… something to be scared of. The royal cemetery was more something where the general public could pay homage to the royal family; their actual graves were generally somewhere else. Hidden in the Citadel, most people said, something like a hidden giant family tomb. Not that Ignis would know.

Queen Aulea’s grave was well-cared for. The wreath was… very decidedly Noctis.

 

 

3\. Cor

(not exactly family, but he’s the closest thing I got to an uncle

heard you were good with a sword and insisted on trying you out

sorry!)

 

 

Cor Leonis was… a strange man, by comparison. He was one of the many people who worked at the Citadel, though this guy apparently led the Crownsguard. Why he wasn’t busy with making certain that there was nothing afoot at the rather important international meetings Ignis would never understand—but there was no denying that man was skilled. Scarily skilled, even.

Ignis was often called excellent with a sword; ironically he and Cor used the same kind. But for the first time since he had gone against Aranea Highwind who served the royal family back in Niflheim, Ignis found himself outpaced and completely outmatched. That man was a flurry of precise sword strikes even with a simple training weapon, and the newest members of the Crownsguard were all in awe that Ignis hadn’t fallen flat on his face yet.

The match ended twenty minutes later, with Ignis uncomfortably pressed against the wall and Cor not even having broken a swear. That definitely was going into the top ten most embarrassing moments in his life as Cor let him go and the bunch of teenagers and young adults all younger than Ignis started applauding.

Ignis’ chest was heaving, and he made a mental note to get Noctis back for that one. Once it came to his old friends from school and other people, Ignis would make certain to sic Aranea on his boyfriend.

Cor uncrossed his arms all of a sudden and smacked Ignis on the back. Everyone present gasped.

“Not bad, not bad at all. You should all aspire to be like Mr Scientia here with a sword in a year or two at the very least.”

Thankfully that meant the class was dismissed, but Ignis noticed that Cor was staying behind.

“Seriously, kid, not bad for a Scientia. Thought you were all Niff bookworms, but I guess things’re different this generation.”

That was ominous and not strange at all—Ignis definitely did not remember any of his relatives ever meeting Cor Leonis, the infamous Marshal of Lucis, in battle. Even a mock battle like this. Perhaps he ought to look into that while Noctis got his sorry ass ground into fine dust by Aranea.

 

 

If you made it until here without Iris talking your head off

or dying from embarrassment (sorry!!)

I

** I’m **

** So **

** Fucking **

** Sorry. **

Where was I? Oh yeah.

4\. Ardyn

(first cousin twice removed

I think his fiancé’s at work and his stepdaughter’ s at school so you’ll be alone with him

nice guy, might be weird, might just be asleep. )

 

 

He had expected hellfire. A guy really into human sacrifice. A cannibal, mass-murderer. The absolutely insane cat-loving cousin twice removed. Some dude who looked like the culprit on a bad crime show. The murder clown from that terrible horror flick that everyone at university had loved a year ago. Some sort of freak of nature who collected guns and supported uprooting the royal family despite Lucis being one of the best countries to live in on the planet. Maybe a man obsessed with collecting something creepy.

What Ignis got was a man who looked like he had just rolled out of bed, with a bleary expression and—while kind of stuffy and extravagant-looking—a perfectly normal flat. Why on good earth was someone related to the royal family living in what looked like a two-bedroom flat anyway!?  Messy long red hair in a bun, frameless glasses. That man was wearing a violently neon-pink shirt with the gaudiest cartoon cats on it that Ignis had ever seen in his life—he remembered that those were from some sort of kid’s show, and likely his stepdaughter had gotten a shirt like that and her stepfather had also gotten one to match with her. The only really odd thing about that was the almost tasteful grey scarf slung over his shoulders and… were those dress pants?

They stared at each other for a few minutes. Ignis shifted awkwardly in front of the door, and Ardyn only kept blinking at him.  Then, after what felt like an eternity, it seemed to click for the man.

“Oh. Goodness, my bad. Sorry. Ignis, right? Noct said you’d be dropping by.”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Ardyn, nice to meet you. Come on in, the only thing that bites in there is my fiancé’s daughter’s cat, and that one’s in her room asleep.”

Just like her owner’s soon-to-be stepfather had been, judging from the looks of it.  At the very least Ardyn had the decency to offer a cup of coffee, and when Ignis said that the only coffee he really enjoyed was Ebony, Ardyn’s sleepy features had lit up a little.

“I see we’ll be getting along swimmingly then.”

They… did. Ardyn was a  rather fascinating person, all things considered . Despite having studied to become a doctor he had  never really worked as one, and instead merely was an editor for… something or other. Once he was properly awake Ignis started noticing that this place definitely looked like a kid under ten lived here. Eventually even the supposedly bite-happy cat stalked into the room and before long Ignis found himself in a full-blown discussion about economics while the cat happily purred in his lap. Hells, he hadn’t had a conversation that nice with anyone in Lucis yet. Not that he had spent much time with the other members of Noctis’ family yet.

Eventually Ardyn’s curiosity got the better of him, apparently. Much like Iris he started asking about things, though mostly related to how he had gotten to know Noctis. Which struck Ignis as odd; hadn’t everyone been informed about this? Didn’t Noctis spend hours on a Sunday checking in with every member of his family? Why not Ardyn then?

“Oh, Sundays? I spend those with my brother. That’s why I haven’t really heard much from Noct; he’s busy studying and I’d rather he spends Saturdays with you instead of taking up his time.”

Nice guy—right. He wasn’t sure what the weird was about.

But that was the first time Ignis heard of that brother. Noctis had two cousins twice removed?

“Your… brother?”

And as if he had flipped a switch, suddenly Ardyn’s entire demeanour changed. From friendly if a little tired guy who lived with his fiancé and that person’s daughter, he went to what looked like a cartoon villain express i on-wise.  From sitting kind of sunken in on himself he went to sitting upright and tense.

“Uh…”

“I suppose Noctis has not… told you then.” The clock struck five in the afternoon. “Well, too late for you to flee.”

“Excuse me?”

A s if someone had ordered it, someone knocked on the door. Ardyn’s expression went from grim to grimmer, and Ignis was expecting the mass murderer now. Right now. They were going to burst in through the door and Ardyn, having lulled him with the friendly conversation would be holding him down. This was how he would die, at the mercy of Noctis’ cousin twice removed. And then they’d feed the still purring cat his remains. That was how the Lucis Caelums took care of unwanted boyfriends and this was a plot to get him killed; King Regis had specifically set all of this up, and—

Ardyn opened the door.

A man who was the same height as Ardyn stood there, with the world’s most annoyed expression on his face. Short black hair streaked with grey, kind of like King Regis. He, too, was wearing glasses, and what looked like the world’s most expensive suit. Hell, even King Regis’ royal raiment looked less expensive than that thing. Sharply dressed, smart-looking, and—

Then he looked at that man’s feet.

Crocs.

This sharply-dressed business man who looked like he was going to  _throttle_ Ardyn for wearing that pink shirt, was wearing… crocs.

Ignis rubbed his eyes a few times, not sure if he wasn’t hallucinating. No, they stayed there. They stayed right there, and didn’t go away. At all.

“Nice of you to drop by, Somnus. You were thirty-one seconds too late by your standards,” Ardyn’s voice was _seeping_ poison.

The newcomer, apparently called Somnus, only sneered.

Wait. Somnus? That name sounded familiar, and Ignis reached for his list.

 

 

5\. Somnus

(cousin twice removed; Ardyn’s brother

worst guy since the one that tried to assassinate me

we aren’t sure it wasn’t actually him who tried to kill me

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT )

 

 

Ignis had heard of that assassination attempt. He also missed whatever conversation Ardyn and Somnus had started having until suddenly a new voice piped up.

“Dad’s still at work, Uncle Somnus.”

Ardyn stepped aside and a girl who looked like she was nine years old came bouncing into the room.

“Go on and show Ignis your room, darling, while I… talk to your uncle.”

“Yep!” She bounced over and grabbed his hands. “Quick, before they start fighting!”

Ignis, still bewildered by the fact that there were two relatives of the royal family who were about the same age as King Regis but also couldn’t dress themselves existed in this city, followed the girl. The room was just a typical girl bedroom, and she generously offered him to sit down on a chair.

“You’re with Noct, aren’t you?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Nice to meetcha!”

Rather quickly the girl started talking about Ardyn and her actual father, mentioned that her mother was dead but she was absolutely certain that the woman was happy to see her father happy, and how Uncle Somnus was a little strange. How Noct had  _always_ been there for her birthdays, and how she was happy to finally meet the guy who made Noct happy just as Ardyn made her father happy. It was really endearing, actually. He liked that little thing.

When she finally fell quiet after he told her that in Niflheim the snow would be higher than she was tall right now at this time of year, he slowly unfolded Noctis’ little notes.

 

 

It’s Sunday, unfortunately, which means Somnus will be grabbing Ardyn

Those two get along like open fire and an alcohol-drenched piece of cloth

** DO NOT ACCEPT INVITATION TO DINNER **

RETURN TO CITADEL

I WILL EXPLAIN

tell Aressa we’re fine with going to the zoo with her and her father

(I haven’t really asked but c’mon it’s the zoo)

* * *

“I really can’t wait to hear that one.”

“Answer my question first, Iggy.”

King Regis was certainly good at acting as if his son wasn’t nearly on Ignis chair by now. He had also apparently pointedly ignored the question Noctis had asked.

“But… why?”

“Answer it.”

“… Yeah. Yeah, he was wearing… crocs. Why?”

And suddenly all hell broke lose. King Regis dropped his fork to break into almost shrill laughter, and Noctis nearly fell sideways off the chair and nearly hit his head on the table. Ignis had known all along that Noctis was an odd case for a royal, but seeing King Regis nearly sob because he was laughing so hard while his son banged a fist on the table wheezing was… a little bit much. He missed the almost chilly air of professionalism when he had met with his childhood friend Loqi, who just so happened to be the next in line for the title of Emperor. That man knew how to be serious, even when behind the scenes he had immediately started bitching about what a crusty old bastard his grandfather was.

Ignis blinked a few times, then finally managed to choke out a “Would you please  _explain?”_

Noctis and King Regis calmed down after a moment, with the king wiping tears out of the corners of his eyes. “Remind me to make sure Ardyn gets monetary compensation for having to deal with his brother in  _that_ mood, Noct.”

“I’ll hand Aressa the money when we see her on Wednesday, honestly. But yeah, Iggy. You’re… out of the loop, huh.”

There was a family feud. Well, not directly. King Regis was older than Ardyn and Somnus; but definitely less professional than Noctis was now. Long story short, at some point Regis had pulled a prank on the younger Somnus that had ruined something rather important for the teenager back then. Probably a relationship, though King Regis didn’t comment on anything. That was how they started consistently inconveniencing the other without making it clear it had been them. The incident of King Regis’ coat suddenly catching fire during a speech from a few months ago apparently had been planned by Somnus. In retaliation King Regis had made certain that the next time Somnus got a haircut he would wind up with no hair whatsoever.

“He set a trap for dad, but Gladio got caught in it instead. That’s why he’s got a broken leg.”

That sounded… dangerous? But Ignis said nothing, continued staring at his boyfriend with wide eyes.

“So we wanted to avenge Gladio. Basically, we had Ardyn bribe his way into the business building. Abusing his former relationship with Somnus’ personal bodyguard and all that junk. Poor Gilgamesh probably just didn’t want to have anything to do with this. Well either way, we had Ardyn replace all of his brother’s shoes with crocs. All of them.”

“That’s...”

“Genius, isn’t it! The most important businessman in Insomnia, second only to the king he’s related to—stuck with that kind of shoe in his suits!”

There were many things that he could have said. That it was admittedly kind of funny. That he was worried for Ardyn’s physical health if he was involved. That this was the dumbest thing he had ever heard.

Instead he settled on, “Aren’t you supposed to be… regal?”

King Regis and Noctis looked at each other, then turned to look at Ignis. “Oh yeah, in public,” Noctis said with a dead serious expression.

The king only picked up his fork again and closed his eyes. The man looked like he was about to hold a speech during one of the most important Lucian holidays; Ignis had seen that expression on TV before. Instead, he opened his eyes again and winked at Ignis.

“But this isn’t public.”

Ignis decided that Noctis was wrong and he would be watching his back around King Regis from now on.

* * *

The next retaliation was a herd of live Chocobo in a room. Except it was the wrong room. Ignis, stuck between a hard place and a Chocobo, was nearly crying by the time someone managed to free him from his awkward position.

He really, really hated royals. Really.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry but have you SEEN somnus' god damn sandals i swear  
> i didn't notice until i napped for 4 lousy hours and continued my existence with literal fucking heart stutters because i was that tired after staying up to see if there was episode ardyn stuff
> 
> and then i saw the sandals when i was Somehwat Coherent and i swear they Haunt Me. They Haunt Me. Please. God. Why.
> 
> my sister the somnusfucker do NOT interact


End file.
